Dear Readers,
I suppose amongst your many questions might be one about what took me so long to write my next post. That's a fair question. After all, almost every blogger I know has at least published something bi-annually but I digress.
To answer your question about where I've been, life happened - most of it good, some of it not. I tied up my college journey for now after 3 years (post on that later), got married (post on that too), and moved to a small town in the boonies of New Hampshire. And if you can't already tell, those are big life changes to make all right in a row. But, here we are.
It's 2024 now and this mini letter is my poor attempt at a preface to broach a topic that I know is painful for so many. At first, I didn't think the blog would make a comeback, let alone that I would start it back up with something like this, and yet, all of it needs to be said - at least, by someone somewhere - and I'd rather I do my best to try first before leaving it to someone else.
With that, I'll end the letter here. You can close the site down now if you want to. However, I do really believe in this post, and I think you'll find it's worth your time. It's worth a sit down and a cup of tea, really.
Love,
Gracie
They don't tell you...
I spent an hour or so texting with a friend of mine earlier today about how hard the trying to conceive (TTC) journey has been for me. I mean, I got married 5 months ago, and that's nearly half a year now.
And still, no baby...
The narrative I so often heard growing up in Christian circles was that you had to keep yourself pure, that your virginity was important. The narrative said that sexual relations outside of the marriage covenant were sinful, and in cases where the woman fell pregnant, they had to keep the baby because killing it would be a sin too.
And God is holy, he detests sin.
So much of that narrative does in fact carry truth!
Much of it is echoed in Scripture - sex is good, and fun, and wonderful within the confines of marriage (Song of Solomon); and it is true that to take any life - unborn child or not - is murder and therefore prohibited by God's law (Deuteronomy 5:17).
These things ARE true. These rules DO exist, and they are for our betterment.
But the delivery of the narrative (in some cases) also carries notes of deception. And I guess, maybe, I'm gullible too. I fell for this idea that it wouldn't be hard to conceive.
I'm married. I was a virgin right up until my honeymoon. I followed the rules, right? But the pregnancies that are so often threatened as a fear tactic to keep us following the narrative without asking questions aren't coming as easily as they are supposed to.
It's possible I misunderstood, but I'm not sure I did.
The narrative always made it sound like once was enough to cause a teen pregnancy except - I'm 22, married, and once wasn't enough.
TTC is painful sometimes. Sometimes, as my friend put it, it doesn't feel humanly survivable.
And that's what they don't tell you.
They'll tell you babies are expensive. They'll tell you to use condoms, to go on birth control. I mean, God forbid, you follow the command to be fruitful and multiply before you've had the chance to enjoy your husband. They'll tell you that you're too young or some other line.
But they won't tell you that sometimes TTC is really painful.
They don't tell you how sick you'll feel when your body behaved like it was pregnant but the ClearBlue test says negative. They don't tell you that maybe it could take more than a year of TTC. They don't tell you how confused you'll feel when friends and family announce pregnancies and you'll pretend to be happy while you're secretly grieving on the inside. They don't tell you how emotionally exhausting the TTC journey can be - how it comes with cycles of hope, disappointment, grief, jealousy, guilt, hope - over and over and over again.
They don't tell you that even if you're married, even if you've done everything right, it still might not work.
So I'll tell you these things - things I wish someone told me before I got married.
I'll tell you that it's a unique kind of longing and ache. I'll tell you that you'll think you're alone in the struggle but next thing you know, you'll find out you're not because your friend has the same struggle. I'll tell you that even though I hate how hard TTC has been, I haven't given up hope. I'll tell you that TTC has driven me to my knees in prayer more days than it's not - and I think that that can be a really gut wrenching, beautiful process.
You and I may still long for motherhood though, and that's okay too.
I am not saying the church got the narrative wrong. I'm not saying that we shouldn't talk about the importance of purity, and the consequence of awaking love before it is ready. I just think that the way we talk about it all needs to be amended.
I think people deserve to know before marriage that sometimes even after marriage it doesn't always happen. Maybe then, there wouldn't be so many wives who feel like their bodies are broken simply because they can't bring their own flesh and blood into the world.
If you relate to this at all, you're not alone. This is my story, but if you relate, it's yours too. More women than you realize have struggled with their TTC journey too. And, you might not believe me, but there IS hope. Look for it, cling to it.
Proverbs 13:11-13
"Wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but whoever gathers little by little will increase it. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Whoever despises the word brings destruction on himself, but he who reveres the commandment will be rewarded."
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